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Looking for feedback on a cold email sequence

Hello guys! I have been reading other's posts on their cold email sequences and was hoping for some feedback on ours. We typically get anywhere from about a 7 to 15% positive response rate (per 100 emails). We try to keep it simple, as the goal is to schedule an introductory demo to our product. Do let me know what you guys would improve? I can also include our follow up email later if that is helpful?

"Hi XYZ,

I hope you are well.

Our company creates human holograms (in augmented reality) for live or prerecorded content and messaging. We are already filming holograms for fashion brands, sports clubs, and media companies like X, Y, and Z. Here’s an example: ___

Would you be open to discussing our capabilities?

Kindest regards,"

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    • Profile picture of Katie Ray
      @katie_ray
      ( 1.5k POINTS )
      4 weeks ago

      Hey Kelsey! Thank you for posting your actual email on here. It can be stressful to put your template out for scrutiny, but I appreciate your willingness!

      I have a few questions, and thoughts for you.
      1- is this the first email in your sequence?
      2-how many other emails are you sending?
      3-do your emails get more customized the more you send?

      thoughts:
      1- its a great starting point, but there is not customization. If I read this, I may be confused on why I needed this, or how this can help me. Maybe starting with “many companies use us to help them create holograms for live or precorded content and messaging. Because of our holograms, they are seeing [insert fact] in their business, which has helped them bring in [x amount of revenue/or some fact].
      2- you dont want to give the prospect a chance to say no, but if you do, make sure its not to your call to action question. I would always add an assumptive close, meaning, “what times tuesday or thursday morning would work for a 15 minute call to see it makes sense to partner together”?

      I hope this helps! I bet @josh-braun would have some great feedback for you too!

    • Profile picture of Macky Bradley
      @mackybradley
      ( 8.1k POINTS )
      4 weeks ago

      Hello Kelsey!
      Thanks for the great question, and it looks like you have some excellent responses here already!
      If I may…. get rid of the “I hope you are well.” (I do the same thing, have for years. Great sentiment, however, it is a bit salesy and not really adding value. Change that to just hi or hello.
      Then, your statement/question: “Would you like to be able to use the world’s greatest technology in holograms and augmented reality to transform your business today? It will only cost you a 30 minute meeting to find out. Sign up here.

      Try to do A-B testing, see which one gets the best response rate.

      Keep it simple and see if you get an improvement on your rates!
      Let me know if this sounds helpful!

      Thanks for the question!

      Cheers!

      Macky

    • Profile picture of John Hunter
      @jhunterservices
      ( 260 POINTS )
      3 weeks, 6 days ago

      First of all, it should not be cold. I believe it should be preceded by 3 calls with either paper messages or voice mails for you to refer to, quickly- no detail.

      Secondly, as a recipient, you’ve showed me what your company does. I want to know that you’re aware of my company, and pose a question about mine.

      If you’re strictly a sales person trying to get a meeting, but won’t actually be participating in the meeting or the implementation with the prospect, then I doubt there will be much of an improvement in success rate.

    • Profile picture of Suzanne Peck
      @smpeck
      ( 190 POINTS )
      3 weeks, 6 days ago

      Hey Kelsey!
      I think I would change “I hope you are well.” too. I would try to add something friendly to create some excitement. Maybe also ask who would be the best person to talk to for this.

    • Profile picture of Ken Hauck
      @sellingissimple
      ( 260 POINTS )
      3 weeks, 6 days ago

      “Hi {first_name},

      I hope you are having a Terrific Day!

      Human Hologram–you’ve probably wanted one of your own for some time. Our company will create your human hologram (in augmented reality–that means it’s very cool) for live or prerecorded content and messaging.

      Fashion brands, sports clubs, and media companies like X, Y, and Z have used our human holograms to increase business and provide memorable customer service.

      Don’t know what a hologram is? Here’s an example: ___

      Would you like to discuss what a hologram can do for you? Some day our human holograms will communicate with each other but for now, just contact me.

      Thank You,
      Kelsey

    • Profile picture of Mike Berens
      @mberens
      ( 760 POINTS )
      3 weeks, 5 days ago

      Hi Kelsey,

      I agree with there other comments. One thing is… what’s in it for me? The email is very product-centric these days people tend to reply to value over product. What pain do you solve?

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